10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Definitely Wants You Dead

It was at that point Henrietta realized that Fluffy never had any intention of abiding by the "no eye gauging" rule

It was at that point Henrietta realized that Fluffy never had any intention of abiding by the “no eye gauging” rule

The first few days after a new baby’s arrival, your cat’s strange behavior typically goes unnoticed. Any unusual occurrences indicating your cat is pissed about the arrival and probably wants you dead are easy to chalk up as another catnip overdose or miss completely. Inauspiciously for you however, your clandestine feline’s plot won’t remain underground for long. Somewhere in the darkness, your cat lurks, prepping for a secretive attack leading to your ultimate demise.

What are the signs exactly? How does one know if their cat really wants to roll them into a ball of tuna and feed them to local alley cats, or if it’s just a phase, like when she used to post pictures of you wearing your wife’s undergarments (photo-shopped of course) until you changed her litter box.

No two cats are the same, but here are some fairly universal signs to look out for.

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I won’t forget this

Your cat is coughing up hairballs  Every cat expert knows that each hairball contains a high level of morality. This means that when the last one finds its way up the pathway of your cat’s esophagus and out into the world, your cat will be pure evil – all the way from the tips of her whiskers to the last hair on her tail.

Strange cats keep showing up at your door Your cat has made some new friends, and none of them are that cute kitten that gets tickled and then sticks all four paws out in delight.  Your cat is fraternizing with suspicious hobo cats – in particular the ones trained in paw to paw combat.

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Once I’ve reached absolute zen, I will attack you like a flurry of rabid spider monkeys

Your cat hides in tight places without moving for long periods Unless you have a cat who is also working towards a career as a pantomime this tactic is for determining best time and angle for an attack. Remaining still in tight places allows her to focus and master the art of patience.

Your cat sits and gazes out the front window Zoning out and appearing to fantasize about catching birds darting to and fro in your garden was cute months ago, but now your cat is using this for strategic reflection time. She is carefully brainstorming every step of her sinister plan while charting out hideout spots for when the deed is done at the same time.

Your cat bites your feet when you’re sleeping At one point your cat may have bit your toes as a sign of affection, but now she is using them as a testing ground so she knows how many pounds per square inch of pressure is required to break flesh when D-day arrives.

I'm not touching you

I’m not touching you

Your cat pretends to enjoy childless, senseless games Your cat knows that patience is a virtue because when the built-up anger releases it will unleash in a tornado of feline ferocity somewhere near your occipital bone.

Your cat responds to its name but doesn’t come when you call Again, this is another example of your cat testing your mental strength and patience. This is a standoff with an aim to gauge weakness.  If you stop then appear disinterested, then she comes over when she wants, that is a sign that she’s won the mental battle. This gives her the confidence she needs to know she can mentally destroy you if the physical attack doesn’t work out.

Sharpening claws on scratcher or couches Your cat is preparing for battle – with you.

Just poking my head out here to say thanks Fuzzy

Fuzzy? Is that you? Fuzzy?

Dead animals are frequently showing up on your porch Haven’t quite figured out what this means, but anything dead brought to you does not equate to anything positive. Danger lurks. You’re near the end.

You receive word from your neighbors that your cat has been hanging out at their house with their cat This doesn’t mean your cat is running with the bad crowd; it means she is the bad crowd. Your cat is assembling a cat militia and she’s leading the charge.

militiaYour oregano was replaced with catnip and you didn’t realize until you started rolling around on the ground rubbing your head on the carpet after eating spaghetti sauce You eat catnip? You have more problems than a cat plotting your gruesome demise.

You wake up and your cat has a butcher knife raised in your direction The end has arrived.

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And so it begins…

But, before you meet your untimely finale, you might as well go out with a bang and enjoy a nice, refreshing brewski. To be more specific, grab yourself a Mendocino Brewing Eye of the Hawk.

eye of hawkEye of the Hawk Imperial Ale

Brewed By: Mendocino Brewing Company

Style: American Strong Ale

ABV: 8.0%

In most cultures, ingesting the eye of a large bird of prey would get you a quick invitation to the local insane asylum. This beer may not physically put you in a padded room, but it will make you feel like you belong in one. It claims to be an 8% ABV but it feels more like a 28. A few of these hearty ales, and its highly likely an enraged, eyeless, flesh-eating carnivore will appear at your door looking to have a word.

The most salient aspects of this brew are its caramel, malty, and bread-like characteristics which do a nice job hiding the high alcohol content, however a hint does sneak up on you as you would expect from an 8% beer. But, if you were like me as a teenager and miss lubing your acned face with Clearasil while also eating malted caramels and bread then this beer will bring you back to the good ole’ days when life was your oyster and your dad still told you he loved you.

Its Northern California roots make this beer a magically mental voyage with each sip. A close of the eyes will transport you to the rolling golden hills off the California coast – the wind whipping through the trees and tall radiant grass blowing maniacally in every direction. A bird overhead drifts peacefully through the autumn sky unaffected by the gusts. The sun is setting and the horizon is littered with beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow.

Please unsubscribe me from this ridiculous blog post

Please unsubscribe me from this ridiculous blog post

In the sky above, the bird squawks, likely eying a rodent bounding for safety on the ground below. To your left you hear the crashing sound of the treacherous surf relentlessly pounding the jagged, sea-ravaged hillside, retreating for just a brief moment to refuel for another savage pummeling. Somewhere in the distance a dog barks…

Wait no, that’s the bird again – now seemingly much louder than before. It is now making the sound not as much like a bird, or a dog, but more human-like. Demonic even. Like something you’d only hear in a movie about exorcisms, rings, or 104 years after a girl falls down a well on the anniversary of the occurance. You look up and let out a death curdling scream. There, torpedoing through the dusk sky is an eyeless hawk aimed straight for you. You take one last swig of your beer before it strikes…

Nine hours and twelve alarm clock snoozes later you awake curled up in a fetal ball between your bed and nightstand amidst a small village of Eye of the Hawk beer bottles. Now that’s some good beer.

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Bonus sign your cat definitely wants you dead

He takes up speed skating – wait what?

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