10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Probably Wants You Dead

Cat-with-knife-300x205The addition of a baby to your household has triggered a change in your cat. The once jovial feline, egregiously desperate for your attention has now become ambivalent to your existence.

Before your baby, a call to your cat would trigger a quick hop onto your lap, or at least a chirping meow. Now that she’s chopped liver (and may be eating it too), you receive nothing more than a callous smirk in your direction as she saunters past. (The ability to smirk has also somehow been added to your cat’s repertoire).

She hates you and her disdain is growing by the day.

Yes now that you mention it, my cat used to spend her cold nights curled up at the edge of my bed but now I don’t know what she’s doing during the night

Yeah this isn't really working for me

Yeah this isn’t really working for me

I can tell you what she’s doing – she’s plotting your ultimate demise.

Not my cuddly little furball, right…?

Yes your cat.

If you’re not convinced, take a gander at some of these tell tail (see what I just did there? Because your cat has a tail, I switched it – get it? Ok…) signs that your cat would rather turn you into a bag of litter than to see you with your new baby.

Wait - that's Cat Stevens?

Wait – that’s Cat Stevens?

1. Your ITunes library has been replaced by only songs performed by the musician Cat Stevens           This isn’t exactly cataclysmic by any means, and in rare cases just indicates that your cat has horrible taste in music. The reality, however? She’s configuring subliminal messages into the music so when you listen, you forget about your baby and turn your attention to her.

2. Your cat meows to be fed but refuses to eat the food you put down even when it’s her favorite  This is your cat’s attempt at breaking you financially. She knows you’ll crack and put down a second can. She also knows that if you run out of money, it will be the catalyst she needs and you’ll have to sell the baby to make ends meet.

3.  Your cat is throwing up                                                                                                     She knows that you will attempt to clean up vomit immediately so she uses this valuable time to urinate on your personal belongings such as your toothbrush, catheter, pillow, and leftover meatloaf. Sure, cat urine won’t cause your ultimate demise but she is still holding out hope that simple annoyances may make you realize the baby was a bad idea. Consider this a friendly warning.

seriously? You guys just went through that door

Seriously? You guys just went through that door

4. Your cat meows to be let out but when you open the door she doesn’t go or she goes out then immediately turns around and meows to come back in                                                      Sure, this doesn’t seem like it will result in any sort of catastrophe, but ultimately, she is testing your mental will, assessing for any chinks in your armor. Since her attacks are methodical, understanding your mental breaking points are key for her success.

On a side note…anyone catch on to every paragraph containing a word with “cat” snuck in for no reason? You didn’t did you? So clever huh?

5. Your cat sprays litter all over the floor when jumping out of litter box             Litter contains chemicals to help cat excrement clump and prevent from smelling. On a small scale these chemicals are harmless to the human body but over time your cat knows that these chemicals will eventually add up causing you you to go catatonic, leaving you nothing more than a useless piece of jelly.

Couple more minutes on each side and I should have just enough energy

Couple more minutes on each side and I should have just enough energy to lick my owner to death

6. Your cat basks in the sun                 The sun provides your cat with energy. What does she need energy for you might ask? Is she working on storing energy for her next modeling shoot on the catwalk? Not quite. Energy is needed for an all-out battle which she intends to have with you. And very soon.

7. Your cat kneads your body with her claws                                                        You might think this is merely instinctual but in reality your cat is incrementally over time causing a fatal contusion to your thigh. (Known in the feline world as a catusion) If Andrew Dufraine was able to chip his way to freedom  using a rock hammer in Shawshank Redemption, isn’t it plausible your cat could be patiently and meticulously kneading you to death?

I don't recall signing on for this

I don’t recall signing on for this

8. Your cat didn’t fully cover her poop in the litter box                         This is a bad omen, and a sure sign that your cat’s plight has escalated into a demonic category of doom. By not covering the poop, your cat knows that she’s enabled the dangerous methane gases to insidiously leak their way into your oxygen supply.

9. Your cat walks on your computer keyboard  Your cat may appear to just be competing for attention with your workstation, or looking for online cat toy catalogs, but in reality she is attempting to become a conductor of electricity. This is so she can electrocute you in your sleep when she reaches a high enough frequency to inflict harm.

Here's what's going to go down - I'm going to get on that keyboard in three...two...one...

Here’s what’s going to go down – I’m going to get on that keyboard in three…two…one…

10. You and your wife’s favorite couple picture is buried in his litter box                                                          Misplacing keys, the TV remote or your Catcher in the Rye novel is one thing, but misplacing a framed photo that’s been on the mantle for six months is way too coincidental. Like a (pin doll) your cat is practicing on inanimate versions of you before waiting until the time is right for the real thing when you are actually buried in the litter box.

Still not convinced? You can stand by and wait for your cat to further implement her plan for your untimely execution or you can check back next week for 10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Definitely Wants You Dead for more clarity.

Need something to ease the image of your cat turning you into catnip in your sleep? How about trying a Kona Big Wave Golden Ale?

konaBrewed by: Kona Brewing Company Kona, Hawaii

Style: American Blonde

ABV: 4.40%

Refreshing spring-time beer with an abundance of tongue-tingling hop happiness? Yes please.

I’d classify this as a summer lager, however it has a creatively, tantalizing amount of hops. It’s like all the delicious parts of an IPA without the bitterness. The hops hit you right away, however you also capture citrus and island fruity flavors as well.

This is a great beer. Make sure both you and your cat try it.


3 thoughts on “10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Probably Wants You Dead

  1. Pingback: 10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Definitely Wants You Dead | Pampers n' Pints

  2. Pingback: Pampers N’ Pints 2014 Beer Madness Final Round 1 Matchups | Pampers n' Pints

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