10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Definitely Wants You Dead

It was at that point Henrietta realized that Fluffy never had any intention of abiding by the "no eye gauging" rule

It was at that point Henrietta realized that Fluffy never had any intention of abiding by the “no eye gauging” rule

The first few days after a new baby’s arrival, your cat’s strange behavior typically goes unnoticed. Any unusual occurrences indicating your cat is pissed about the arrival and probably wants you dead are easy to chalk up as another catnip overdose or miss completely. Inauspiciously for you however, your clandestine feline’s plot won’t remain underground for long. Somewhere in the darkness, your cat lurks, prepping for a secretive attack leading to your ultimate demise.

What are the signs exactly? How does one know if their cat really wants to roll them into a ball of tuna and feed them to local alley cats, or if it’s just a phase, like when she used to post pictures of you wearing your wife’s undergarments (photo-shopped of course) until you changed her litter box.

No two cats are the same, but here are some fairly universal signs to look out for.

blog111010a

I won’t forget this

Your cat is coughing up hairballs  Every cat expert knows that each hairball contains a high level of morality. This means that when the last one finds its way up the pathway of your cat’s esophagus and out into the world, your cat will be pure evil – all the way from the tips of her whiskers to the last hair on her tail.

Strange cats keep showing up at your door Your cat has made some new friends, and none of them are that cute kitten that gets tickled and then sticks all four paws out in delight.  Your cat is fraternizing with suspicious hobo cats – in particular the ones trained in paw to paw combat.

hiding2

Once I’ve reached absolute zen, I will attack you like a flurry of rabid spider monkeys

Your cat hides in tight places without moving for long periods Unless you have a cat who is also working towards a career as a pantomime this tactic is for determining best time and angle for an attack. Remaining still in tight places allows her to focus and master the art of patience.

Your cat sits and gazes out the front window Zoning out and appearing to fantasize about catching birds darting to and fro in your garden was cute months ago, but now your cat is using this for strategic reflection time. She is carefully brainstorming every step of her sinister plan while charting out hideout spots for when the deed is done at the same time.

Your cat bites your feet when you’re sleeping At one point your cat may have bit your toes as a sign of affection, but now she is using them as a testing ground so she knows how many pounds per square inch of pressure is required to break flesh when D-day arrives.

I'm not touching you

I’m not touching you

Your cat pretends to enjoy childless, senseless games Your cat knows that patience is a virtue because when the built-up anger releases it will unleash in a tornado of feline ferocity somewhere near your occipital bone.

Your cat responds to its name but doesn’t come when you call Again, this is another example of your cat testing your mental strength and patience. This is a standoff with an aim to gauge weakness.  If you stop then appear disinterested, then she comes over when she wants, that is a sign that she’s won the mental battle. This gives her the confidence she needs to know she can mentally destroy you if the physical attack doesn’t work out.

Sharpening claws on scratcher or couches Your cat is preparing for battle – with you.

Just poking my head out here to say thanks Fuzzy

Fuzzy? Is that you? Fuzzy?

Dead animals are frequently showing up on your porch Haven’t quite figured out what this means, but anything dead brought to you does not equate to anything positive. Danger lurks. You’re near the end.

You receive word from your neighbors that your cat has been hanging out at their house with their cat This doesn’t mean your cat is running with the bad crowd; it means she is the bad crowd. Your cat is assembling a cat militia and she’s leading the charge.

militiaYour oregano was replaced with catnip and you didn’t realize until you started rolling around on the ground rubbing your head on the carpet after eating spaghetti sauce You eat catnip? You have more problems than a cat plotting your gruesome demise.

You wake up and your cat has a butcher knife raised in your direction The end has arrived.

372

And so it begins…

But, before you meet your untimely finale, you might as well go out with a bang and enjoy a nice, refreshing brewski. To be more specific, grab yourself a Mendocino Brewing Eye of the Hawk.

eye of hawkEye of the Hawk Imperial Ale

Brewed By: Mendocino Brewing Company

Style: American Strong Ale

ABV: 8.0%

In most cultures, ingesting the eye of a large bird of prey would get you a quick invitation to the local insane asylum. This beer may not physically put you in a padded room, but it will make you feel like you belong in one. It claims to be an 8% ABV but it feels more like a 28. A few of these hearty ales, and its highly likely an enraged, eyeless, flesh-eating carnivore will appear at your door looking to have a word.

The most salient aspects of this brew are its caramel, malty, and bread-like characteristics which do a nice job hiding the high alcohol content, however a hint does sneak up on you as you would expect from an 8% beer. But, if you were like me as a teenager and miss lubing your acned face with Clearasil while also eating malted caramels and bread then this beer will bring you back to the good ole’ days when life was your oyster and your dad still told you he loved you.

Its Northern California roots make this beer a magically mental voyage with each sip. A close of the eyes will transport you to the rolling golden hills off the California coast – the wind whipping through the trees and tall radiant grass blowing maniacally in every direction. A bird overhead drifts peacefully through the autumn sky unaffected by the gusts. The sun is setting and the horizon is littered with beautiful shades of pink, orange and yellow.

Please unsubscribe me from this ridiculous blog post

Please unsubscribe me from this ridiculous blog post

In the sky above, the bird squawks, likely eying a rodent bounding for safety on the ground below. To your left you hear the crashing sound of the treacherous surf relentlessly pounding the jagged, sea-ravaged hillside, retreating for just a brief moment to refuel for another savage pummeling. Somewhere in the distance a dog barks…

Wait no, that’s the bird again – now seemingly much louder than before. It is now making the sound not as much like a bird, or a dog, but more human-like. Demonic even. Like something you’d only hear in a movie about exorcisms, rings, or 104 years after a girl falls down a well on the anniversary of the occurance. You look up and let out a death curdling scream. There, torpedoing through the dusk sky is an eyeless hawk aimed straight for you. You take one last swig of your beer before it strikes…

Nine hours and twelve alarm clock snoozes later you awake curled up in a fetal ball between your bed and nightstand amidst a small village of Eye of the Hawk beer bottles. Now that’s some good beer.

227117

143 583

Bonus sign your cat definitely wants you dead

He takes up speed skating – wait what?

9ff3ac537eab9b2ca97de60aa00572f4

Posted in New Parent | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Father’s Letter to Baby Clothes Makers

February 3rd, 2015
| Arthritic, Carpal Tunneled 30-Something Dad | 911 Failing Father Rd.|  Island of Misfit Dad Toys, Ca |

Dear Clothes Makers,

I’m writing to extend an enormous THANK YOU for your baby clothing products. They’re easy-to-use, practical, and flexible to fit any baby changing need.

Had world-renown flutist Albert Wilbur Hansford IV was in the board room that day fathers everywhere may still be able to use their pinky fingers

Had world-renown sprite-like flutist Albert Wilbur Hansford IV not been in the board room that day fathers everywhere may still be able to use their pinky fingers

I especially love how in order to successfully operate the buttons one needs to possess the dexterity of a brain surgeon and the fingers of an ant. Trying to button these things is like trying to play the board game operation during an earthquake. One can only assume that at some point during production, someone on your team (probably the one person in operations without the finger size of a flute-playing sprite) spoke up and suggested using larger size buttons. This goes against our button quality and lifelong mission of ensuring no dad will be able to use their index fingers again you probably retorted. Did human evolution ever come up in conversation or were you all too busy doing your best Simpson’s Mr. Burns impression with your pencil fingers to care? Had this been 1400 BC, when humans averaged four-foot six and had the finger circumference of a toothpick, your customer satisfaction ratings would’ve been extraordinary. It may have worked for the Persian Empire, but this is 2015.

Button size aside, I also appreciate the challenge of trying to match up one button to another. Standard logic would have buttons meeting across from one another – button one on the left, matches up with button two directly on the other side. This is how every article of clothing is made. But you took a different approach. Why should we stand by and let the normalcy of the world dictate how we make our product you said, dancing the fine line between brilliance and craziness, but mostly craziness. You decided to match up the lower right butt button to the upper button by the baby’s chest thus creating the only article of clothing requiring a GPS to see it to completion.

Myself holding a teenage character from the 1970's show The Jeffersons just before bedtime

Myself holding what Boy George probably looked like as a teenager just before bedtime

You’ve also managed to exponentially regress the ferocity of the animal kingdom. Outfits from yester year featured cuddly sheep, cats, and bunnies. Now you’ve made sure every animal that could sting, maim, or kill you is depicted in a cuddly light for children thus ensuring that the first time my son sees an alligator he’s going to go up to it, pet it, then proceed to give it a bear hug. In some small town somewhere, Jacques Cousteau’s grandson can’t wait to get into the water where he will proceed to voluntarily enter the mouth of a Tiger shark at first sight.

Jacques III on his first free dive after assuring his buddies he'd be fine because of his onesies

Jacques III on his very first free dive off coast of South Africa

Your sizes are also extremely informative and not at all vexing. I specifically enjoy the 6-12 month size which makes it really easy to figure out whether or not the item will fit. Any sort of clue you could give us here? Are we talking closer to 6 or closer to 12? That range is the difference between your child looking like a 1920’s baseball player or Lance Bass at an ecstasy foam party. I’d like to know whether or not I’m about to hogtie my child or see him disappear altogether in a plume of excess onesie. I get it. The chicks always go for the mysterious type. You want to keep your elusive appeal. But going forward, any chance you could throw us some sort of surreptitious bone here? Perhaps a code of some sort? Pretty sure you could stitch a man-eating falcon, poisonous scorpion, or saber-toothed t-Rex with one eyebrow pointing to the west to indicate one direction or another, no?

Lastly, I did want to thank you for helping my child gain flexibility. We deny the laws of physics nightly attempting to get his leg into the foot hole of his onesie. You’ve conveniently put two centimeters of fabric on one leg which a blind man with hoofs for hands could maneuver into, yet on the other side you’ve opted to put 70 centimeters fabric. This requires cunning strategy and your child’s ability to bend his leg mid-tibia in order to successfully enter the foot hole. Great for orthopedic surgeons putting a family of 14 through graduate school…bad for dads. Luckily due to my shortcomings, my son can now easily stretch his hamstring to his scapula which will help him earn the role of Gumby should a remake come to fruition at some point in his lifetime. So… thanks.

Overall, you’ve opened up a whole new world of carefree deadly animals, bones I previously thought weren’t bendable, and how to get down to the epidermis in my index fingers using only buttons. And for this I thank you.

Regards,

Pampers n’ Pints

Ps – As usual with most complaint letters it is customary to include a beer review so I’ve done so below. I trust you’ll enjoy.

You don't need to save any drama for this mama

You don’t need to save any drama for this mama

Mama Little Yella Pils

Brewed by  Oskar Blues Brewery Lyons, Colorado USA

Style Czech Pilsener

ABV 5.30%

I’m not sure who Mama is or if she even approves of drinking, but she is representing a pretty solid pilsener. The brewery that brought us one of the first great canned beers – Dales Pale Ale has added to their aluminum repertoire and can easily be found outside of its home state of Colorado. This golden thirst-quencher is a perfect daytime session beer and guaranteed to put a smile on your town’s can lady. Drink responsibly but with great vigor.

Posted in Just Joking Around | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Beer Brackets – Final 4

Wow, that was a long Elite 8. The brackets were actually being constructed out of tiny toothpicks, able to be assembled only by the tiniest of gnomes located in only one town in Northern Alaska- ok so the blog writer is at fault here… With that said… here are the continued brackets.

We’re down to the final four.

 

 

Posted in Beer Brackets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

1st Birthday Gift Ideas

A lone candle sans flame for safety reasons plunged deep into the mushy body of a birthday cake appears to be just another skinny cylinder of lackluster wax. It could’ve been so much more – the rim of FDR’s glasses at a nearby wax museum, the tip of a vibrant new crayon color, or the catalyst in an Olympic snowboarding gold, just to name a few. Instead it has found itself seconds away from certain pulverization once its cake foundation is obliterated by two small hands.

But what one doesn’t realize is that this candle stands for so much more.

Sure, this will be hard, but it can’t be that hard.

I have nieces and nephews and this will be the same.

We’re having a baby?

Did I leave the iron on at home?

These were all thoughts as my son popped out one year agoassuming success would easily prevail.

Looking back, similar to the hopes of the candle before the cake cataclysm, mere survival would’ve been a more realistic goal.

But with every baked goods natural disaster, comes a new day.

Sunshine.

Rebirth. (Not literally another birth)

The 1st birthday party.

“What does he want for his birthday,” family and friends have asked. “Toy cars? Bath toys? Trains? Balls?”

Instead of answering each request individually, I decided to write this blog to let everyone know what he already has. That way you can be sure not to double up on anything as well as get some insight into his likes and dislikes.

But my best word of advice is if you’re in the toy or baby clothes aisle, you’re in the wrong spot. Any Lowe’s, hardware Store, or electronic distributor should do just the trick.

Here are his favorite toys at the moment. Hopefully this will help give you some gift ideas.

1. Laptop Computer

IMG_2257

Really, any tablet, phone, PC, Mac, Android, even Commodore 64 would do

2. Straw

IMG_2212

Straws of any kind are welcome, although none made from actual straw. See what I just did there?

3. Heater

I guess really anything with knobs would work, however before you go out and buy an air traffic controller's dashboard, might want to see if they give gift receipts

I guess really anything with knobs would work, however before you go out and buy an air traffic controller’s dashboard, might want to see if they give gift receipts

4. Mirror

May want to check on shipping fees for any mirrors larger than a breadbox.

Mirror, mirror on the wall who is the drooliest of them all?

5. A mouth

Sure mouths are tough to come by these days with the ... well economy and all, but if you can find a few, Logan would love them.

Sure mouths are tough to come by these days with the … well economy and all, but if you can find a few, Logan would love to have them.

6. TV

He is really stubborn about his TV's. He only buys the ones that you can only see from under 1 centimeter away so make sure you read the packaging first.

He is really stubborn about his TV’s. He only buys the ones that you can only see from under 1 centimeter away so make sure you read the packaging first.

7. Light bulb

A replica ET fingertip would also work, but he prefers only 60Watt bulbs and above. He's sort of elite like that.

A replica ET fingertip would also work, but he prefers only 60Watt bulbs and above. He’s sort of elite like that.

8. Feet

Can't get your hands on any feet (for anyone scoring at home, that's two double entendres so far) I suppose just a toe would probably work too.

Can’t get your hands on any feet? (For anyone scoring at home, that’s two double entendres so far) I suppose just a toe would probably work too.

9. Cords

Any cord essentially will do. Anything that has the potential to electrocute would do the trick.

Any cord essentially will do. Anything that has the potential to electrocute would do the trick.

10. Beer Tap

IMG_2617

Too many ideas and so few characters for a caption… ah screw it, I think this one speaks for itself…

11. a box

Pretty much most boxes are acceptable, however anything bigger than a breadbox is too much. Wow this is getting to be too much wit.

Pretty much most boxes are acceptable, however anything bigger than a breadbox is too much. Wow this is getting to be too much wit.

12. Sunglasses

Any brand that lacks slobber-free protectant will do.

Any brand that lacks slobber-free protectant will do.

13. Blow-dryer

This may be because of the cord attached so don't go buying up every wireless blow dryer shop you come across.

This may be because of the cord attached so don’t go buying up every wireless blow dryer shop you come across.

14. That’s What She Said button

Not sure how this helps but this button sure is cool.

Not sure how this helps but this button sure is cool.

15. Remote Control

Anything moveable object with buttons is acceptable.

Buttons. Fits in the hand. Drool depository. It’s the perfect toy really.

16. Box of Condoms

Oh boy.

Family Planning critics agreed this was the most confusing ad campaign ever produced.

So… that should give you all plenty of ideas. Happy Shopping!

 

 

 

Posted in Just Joking Around | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Beer Brackets – Final 8

After what turned into a long round one (who is posting these things?) I bring you the final 8 beers for a suds-chugging showdown.

In what some argue (ok one person, naming no names, Geoff Capell) has labeled as the best matchup of the tournament, these two prodigious IPA powerhouses square off. The winner… could decide the championship. Just saying…

One of these beers is a Belgian beer labeled as so, and the other is an IPA dressed up in Belgian clothing.  Both will ensure you forgot where you parked your car, and certainly hinder you from getting to grandma’s house.

The better matchup might be between these northern California breweries’ mascots. Who would win in a battle (let’s say its on neutral turf, like in a saltwater river?) between a bear and a shark? That’s how I would really base this vote. Either way Goldilocks would’ve been screwed when she came home.

In what has turned into another northern California battle, both these beers pack a punch and taste somewhat similar. So… maybe we just combine the two for the next round? Torpedo Maximus IPA? I like the sound of it.

beer8teams

Posted in Beer Brackets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pampers N’ Pints 2014 Beer Madness Final Round 1 Matchups

This concludes round 1 matchups. These three polls will … yes you guessed it – take us to the Elite 8 of the beer madness. (Who’s excited?) Anyone… Anyone?

If you want a refresher on these beers, please take a gander at the original reviews below.

 

 

 
 Previous Finals
(1)Pliny The Elder (54%) def. (8) Sam Adams Oktoberfest
(7)Tripel Karmiliet (54%) def. (2) Rogue Dead Guy Ale
(3) Cali-Belgique (75%) def. (6) Big Daddy Ipa
(4) Sculpin IPA (80%) def (5) Wailua Wheat
 
(2)Lagunitas Maximus (80%) def. (7) Guinness Black Lager
 

beer8

 

sierra torpedoSierra Nevada Torpedo IPA.

Style: American IPA (India Pale Ale)

ABV%: 7%

Most Sierra Nevada beers have that piney aroma flavor which can somewhat be simulated by gnawing on the branches of nearby trees, however while that awesome flavor is what makes their beers great, it also is present in each batch of beer they put out. This masterpiece is different. Read More…

 

stoutMurphy’s Irish Stout

Brewed by: Murphy Brewery in Cork, Ireland

Style: Irish Dry Stout

ABV: 4.0%

I don’t normally drink stouts, but when I do, I drink Murphy’s. Whoa. A beer company should totally use that tag line and perhaps even base an entire ad campaign around it using a handsome, gregarious, adventure-seeking Latin man.

If you’re not into stouts then this is the beer to try. They don’t typically do much for me but this beer has a scrumptious chocolaty, roasted malt flavor and goes down smooth despite its dark body. Read More…

winter_solstice_seasonal_aleWinter Solstice Seasonal Ale

Brewed by Anderson Valley Brewing Company  Bonnville, California

Style Winter Warmer

ABV 6.90%

Anderson Valley Brewing may not pay attention to detail when doing Google searches (had they done so they would’ve realized no bears within 3,000 miles have antlers), but they are strong in one thing – making kick-ass beer. This creamy caramel concoction is one of those ass kickers. Read More…

konaBrewed by: Kona Brewing Company Kona, Hawaii

Style: American Blonde

ABV: 4.40%

Refreshing spring-time beer with an abundance of tongue-tingling hop happiness? Yes please.

I’d classify this as a summer lager, however it has a creatively, tantalizing amount of hops. It’s like all the delicious parts of an IPA without the bitterness. Read More…

great whiteGreat White

Brewed by  Lost Coast Brewery Eureka, (Northern) California

Style Witbier

ABV 4.80%

Almost all of the world’s Great White Shark population are aggressive, unruly creatures. Most have anger issues and always go to bed pissed off.

The shark on the label of Great White’s bottle has created a lifestyle quite the antithesis. With a pint of suds in one fin and a surf board in the other, this laid-back fish is the envy of sharks everywhere. Read More…

mlyellapils-0505Mama Little Yella Pils

Brewed by  Oskar Blues Brewery Lyons, Colorado USA

Style Czech Pilsener

ABV 5.30%

I’m not sure who Mama is or if she even approves of drinking, but she is representing a pretty solid pilsener. The brewery that brought us Dales Pale Ale in a can now has quite the canned beer repertoire which is popping up outside of Colorado. Great for day time drinking and guaranteed to put a smile on your town’s can lady.

Posted in Beer Brackets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pampers N’ Pints 2014 Beer Madness Round 1 Matchups

Today’s entry continues round 1 match ups. Missed the last blog entry of voting? Have no idea what this is? Thinking those brownies you bought from some strange guy living in a van down by the river weren’t standard brownies?  Catch up now!

If you want a refresher on these beers, please take a gander at the original reviews below.

 

beer

 

Hey! You in the pool. Do you come here often?
Hey! You in the pool. Do you come here often?

Kona Wailua Wheat

Brewed by Kona Brewing Company Kailua-Kona, Hawaii

Style American Pale Wheat Ale

ABV 5.4%

The Belgian monks may brew beer and have a life of zen, but there was one thing they forgot to figure into their brewing utopia – a waterfall abundant island paradise with beautiful women.

Kona brewers truly have it figured out. Read More…

sculpinSculpin IPA

Brewed by Ballast Point Brewing Company San Diego, Ca

Style American IPA

ABV 7%

Before Ballast Point selected the sculpin to be the face of their outstanding IPA it led a life of bottom feeding solitude. Today a sculpin can swim into any tidepool, river, or kelp bed and species of all likes will buy it a drink and shake its fin. (Do you think Ballast Point Brewery has gotten even one thank you from the unappreciative bottom dwellers?) Read More…

stone-cali-belgie-ipaCali-Belgique IPA

Brewed by Stone Brewing Company Esconidido, Ca

Style Belgian IPA

ABV 6.90%

One word you won’t find in Stone Brewery’s Employee Handbook is “Half-Assed.” Their beers are always crafted to a fully-polished state of complexity. This robust brew, exploding with unique flavors is no exception. Read More…

 

 

big daddyBig Daddy IPA
Brewed by: Speakeasy Brewery San Francisco, Ca

Style: American IPA

ABV: 6.50%

I certainly enjoy this beer, and would sum it up as a nice IPA. Not spectacular, but nowhere close to horrible.

If you’re trying to simulate the emotions of the first trimester, this is the beer to try. Its flavor, aroma, and feel change more than a sixteen year-old girl getting dressed for a first date with the high school quarterback. One sniff will send you running to the ear, nose and throat doctor thinking you have a family of bacteria living in your nostrils, but another will send you on a journey through fields of citrusy paradise. Read More…

Lagunitas_Maximus_200Maximus

Brewed by Lagunitas Brewing Company

Style American Double IPA

ABV 8.2%

For anyone who’s had Lagunitas IPA, you probably are thinking – how does it get any better? Then again that’s what Luigi had to be thinking before Nintendo created Mario; Robin, before Marvel created Batman; Miley Cyrus before the music industry created, well, pretty much anyone else…

And on the 7th day, they created Maximus, a copper, orange bodied double IPA with a tasty finish and crisp, flowery aroma. Read More…

guinness black lagerGuinness Black Lager

Brewed by: Guinness Brewery Dublin, Ireland

Style:  Euro Lager

ABV:  4.5%

This younger sister of the iconic Irish dry stout is a refreshing beer, but is never going to be as pretty as her older sister. It’s nice, but it’s not sexy. If you drink enough of them, however, you’d take either one. (Wait is he still talking about beer or sisters? I don’t feel comfortable reading anymore). Read More…

Posted in Beer Brackets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Probably Wants You Dead

Cat-with-knife-300x205The addition of a baby to your household has triggered a change in your cat. The once jovial feline, egregiously desperate for your attention has now become ambivalent to your existence.

Before your baby, a call to your cat would trigger a quick hop onto your lap, or at least a chirping meow. Now that she’s chopped liver (and may be eating it too), you receive nothing more than a callous smirk in your direction as she saunters past. (The ability to smirk has also somehow been added to your cat’s repertoire).

She hates you and her disdain is growing by the day.

Yes now that you mention it, my cat used to spend her cold nights curled up at the edge of my bed but now I don’t know what she’s doing during the night

Yeah this isn't really working for me

Yeah this isn’t really working for me

I can tell you what she’s doing – she’s plotting your ultimate demise.

Not my cuddly little furball, right…?

Yes your cat.

If you’re not convinced, take a gander at some of these tell tail (see what I just did there? Because your cat has a tail, I switched it – get it? Ok…) signs that your cat would rather turn you into a bag of litter than to see you with your new baby.

Wait - that's Cat Stevens?

Wait – that’s Cat Stevens?

1. Your ITunes library has been replaced by only songs performed by the musician Cat Stevens           This isn’t exactly cataclysmic by any means, and in rare cases just indicates that your cat has horrible taste in music. The reality, however? She’s configuring subliminal messages into the music so when you listen, you forget about your baby and turn your attention to her.

2. Your cat meows to be fed but refuses to eat the food you put down even when it’s her favorite  This is your cat’s attempt at breaking you financially. She knows you’ll crack and put down a second can. She also knows that if you run out of money, it will be the catalyst she needs and you’ll have to sell the baby to make ends meet.

3.  Your cat is throwing up                                                                                                     She knows that you will attempt to clean up vomit immediately so she uses this valuable time to urinate on your personal belongings such as your toothbrush, catheter, pillow, and leftover meatloaf. Sure, cat urine won’t cause your ultimate demise but she is still holding out hope that simple annoyances may make you realize the baby was a bad idea. Consider this a friendly warning.

seriously? You guys just went through that door

Seriously? You guys just went through that door

4. Your cat meows to be let out but when you open the door she doesn’t go or she goes out then immediately turns around and meows to come back in                                                      Sure, this doesn’t seem like it will result in any sort of catastrophe, but ultimately, she is testing your mental will, assessing for any chinks in your armor. Since her attacks are methodical, understanding your mental breaking points are key for her success.

On a side note…anyone catch on to every paragraph containing a word with “cat” snuck in for no reason? You didn’t did you? So clever huh?
 

5. Your cat sprays litter all over the floor when jumping out of litter box             Litter contains chemicals to help cat excrement clump and prevent from smelling. On a small scale these chemicals are harmless to the human body but over time your cat knows that these chemicals will eventually add up causing you you to go catatonic, leaving you nothing more than a useless piece of jelly.

Couple more minutes on each side and I should have just enough energy

Couple more minutes on each side and I should have just enough energy to lick my owner to death

6. Your cat basks in the sun                 The sun provides your cat with energy. What does she need energy for you might ask? Is she working on storing energy for her next modeling shoot on the catwalk? Not quite. Energy is needed for an all-out battle which she intends to have with you. And very soon.

7. Your cat kneads your body with her claws                                                        You might think this is merely instinctual but in reality your cat is incrementally over time causing a fatal contusion to your thigh. (Known in the feline world as a catusion) If Andrew Dufraine was able to chip his way to freedom  using a rock hammer in Shawshank Redemption, isn’t it plausible your cat could be patiently and meticulously kneading you to death?

I don't recall signing on for this

I don’t recall signing on for this

8. Your cat didn’t fully cover her poop in the litter box                         This is a bad omen, and a sure sign that your cat’s plight has escalated into a demonic category of doom. By not covering the poop, your cat knows that she’s enabled the dangerous methane gases to insidiously leak their way into your oxygen supply.

9. Your cat walks on your computer keyboard  Your cat may appear to just be competing for attention with your workstation, or looking for online cat toy catalogs, but in reality she is attempting to become a conductor of electricity. This is so she can electrocute you in your sleep when she reaches a high enough frequency to inflict harm.

Here's what's going to go down - I'm going to get on that keyboard in three...two...one...

Here’s what’s going to go down – I’m going to get on that keyboard in three…two…one…

10. You and your wife’s favorite couple picture is buried in his litter box                                                          Misplacing keys, the TV remote or your Catcher in the Rye novel is one thing, but misplacing a framed photo that’s been on the mantle for six months is way too coincidental. Like a (pin doll) your cat is practicing on inanimate versions of you before waiting until the time is right for the real thing when you are actually buried in the litter box.

Still not convinced? You can stand by and wait for your cat to further implement her plan for your untimely execution or you can check back next week for 10 Signs Your Cat is Pissed About Your New Baby & Definitely Wants You Dead for more clarity.

Need something to ease the image of your cat turning you into catnip in your sleep? How about trying a Kona Big Wave Golden Ale?

konaBrewed by: Kona Brewing Company Kona, Hawaii

Style: American Blonde

ABV: 4.40%

Refreshing spring-time beer with an abundance of tongue-tingling hop happiness? Yes please.

I’d classify this as a summer lager, however it has a creatively, tantalizing amount of hops. It’s like all the delicious parts of an IPA without the bitterness. The hops hit you right away, however you also capture citrus and island fruity flavors as well.

This is a great beer. Make sure both you and your cat try it.

beer-cat-9

Posted in New Parent | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Pampers N’ Pints 2014 Beer Madness

Most of you have already been eliminated from your NCAA bracket challenges and have started drinking beer anyway, so I’d like to introduce the first ever Pampers n’ Pints Beer Madness.

Yes, finally brackets I can’t screw up…

beer

Wait, how does this work? I hope I don’t have to do any math. 16 beers have been reviewed during the life of this blog and all 16 are represented in this tournament. Their seeds have been determined based on where they finished in the previous beer polls, hence an overall bracket has been created above.

What do you need from me? I hardly have any time between drinking these beers and watching basketball. Not much. Just simply vote in the two polls below and then check back Thursday for next matchups.

Today’s Voting ROUND 1 MATCH UPS

Need to refresh your memory on each of these beers? Here are their reviews from previous blog entries.

Make sure to check back tomorrow for additional round 1 matchups!

plinyPliny The Elder

Brewed by: Russian River Brewery   Santa Rosa, Ca

Style: American double IPA

ABV: 8.0%

If I could live out the rest of my days swimming in a pool of this stuff I would, but no one will give me the construction loan I need to make it happen. Perhaps it’s because I always ask while under the influence of this delight.

This beer is so good brewers melt into gold when brewing it.

If this beer was an orgy it would consist of Megan Fox, Kim Kardashian and Jessica Alba.

Have I mentioned this beer is amazing? Read More…

octoberfestSamuel Adams Octoberfest

Brewed by Samuel Adams Jamaica Plains, Massachusetts

Style Marzen/Oktoberfest

ABV: 5.30%

I don’t typically drink Sam Adams, but when I do, I prefer Octoberfest. I was pleasantly surprised when I tried this delight for the first time. Its malty taste is similar to a standard Sam Adams which I’ve grown tired of, but there is something more to this beer. Caramel, tasty malt, pumpkin, and hints of hops make this beer a solid brew. I highly recommend it. Best served poured into a chilled pint glass.

rogue_dead_guy_growler

Dead-Guy Ale

Brewed by Rogue Ales Newport, Oregon

Style Maibock

ABV 6.50%

Rogue makes some pretty spectacular bottles both inside (the beer) and literally the bottle itself. Their demonic, skeletal branding is either a result of brilliant marketing, or an actual depiction of what one will look like should they keep drinking their beers. I’m hoping for the first but I’d settle for the second. (Wait a second…)

Dead Guy Ale is a bready, malty ale that pours nice and goes down smooth. Great beer for spring when you don’t necessarily want a lager, but you don’t want anything too strong either.

triple karmelietTripel Karmeliet

Brewed by: Brouwerij Bosteels Brewery: Buggenhout, Belgium

Style: Belgium Tripel

ABV: 8.4%

The Bosteels brewery has been in operation since 1791 and is the maker of this exquisite liquid. This malt-laden tasty treat is surprisingly not brewed by monks, as many Belgian beers are, but one has got to assume at least one monk was hired at some point, over the course of 222 years, no? Are monks allowed to take regular jobs? Come to think of it I think I may have seen a monk working at Arby’s once so I’m going to say yes to that one.

Those Belgian monks really have life all figured out. They sleep. They meditate. They make beer. They live in silence. I have to go talk to my high school guidance counselor because she definitely led me astray. Read More…

Posted in Beer Brackets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Zombie or Baby?

This week’s post has three steps to it… ready?

1) Watch video with sound and all the way to the end

2) Fill out poll

3) Read beer review

4) Make out with the first person you see to your left

(One of the four is optional, so if I don’t get many polls filled out I get it)

If you too have been eaten by a zombie, then this week’s beer should be just up your flesh-ridden alley.

rogue_dead_guy_growler

Dead-Guy Ale

Brewed by Rogue Ales Newport, Oregon

Style Maibock

ABV 6.50%

Rogue makes some pretty spectacular bottles both inside (the beer) and literally the bottle itself. Their demonic, skeletal branding is either a result of brilliant marketing, or an actual depiction of what one will look like should they keep drinking their beers. I’m hoping for the first but I’d settle for the second. (Wait a second…)

Dead Guy Ale is a bready, malty ale that pours nice and goes down smooth. Great beer for spring when you don’t necessarily want a lager, but you don’t want anything too strong either.

Fun Fact: According to beeradvocate.com, the Maibock style of beer tends to be lighter in color than other Bock beers and often has a significant hop character with a noticeable alcohol around the same as a traditional Bock.

Hold on a quick second here – What the heck is a bock? And don’t tell me it’s a type of deer.

Well, it’s basically a stronger lager with robust malt character. Ok…now I’ve got it. Please continue the beer review… Actually that’s all I have.

blitzen

Word from the north pole was that Blitzen had several bocks that stormy Christmas Eve and was well over the legal limit for carrying sleighs

Posted in Just Joking Around | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment